October 23, 2010. The day that God took me from dead to ALIVE.
I'm Melissa. I used to be a sports & swimsuit model, Miss Transworld Motocross, a TV host, on a reality TV show on MTV, and a girl, a girl striving to find beauty, self-worth, and fame in a world that abused her, daily, in every way horrifically imaginable, that told her she'd never be good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, that took any self she had in her and turned it to eating disorders, broken heartedness, depression, and fear. DEAD.
Today, I am a girl, a girl that has found her identity, her value, her precious worth in the one who loves her like no other, the one who IS love, the one who created her for His Purpose. I am a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a lover, a lover who has a heart so big that to love on the whole world is my greatest ambition.To show the world HIS love, HIS beauty, HIS salvation. ALIVE.
I can't wait to see where God takes me, what he uses me for. I can't wait to fall more in love with Him and to share and spread His love for the rest of my life. No greater love.. I love you. ♥
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No longer a burden…
"… 10 and had John beheaded in the prison. 11 His head was brought in on a platter and given to the girl, who carried it to her mother. 12 John’s disciples came and took his body and buried it. Then they went and told Jesus.
13 When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. 14 When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.
15 As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, ‘This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.’
16 Jesus replied, ’They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.’”
- Matthew 14:10-16
Growing up as a little girl, I quickly learned that life was best if I was invisible. I love my father dearly and have always considered myself a “daddy’s girl”, but because he worked from home and was always pacing around the house, yelling on conference calls, and solving really important problems, I was taught that I was always in the way. I learned that if I got in the way, I got yelled at. If I was loud, I was a disappointment. Essentially, if I was noticed, then I had failed my dad and my role as a daughter. And so, I learned to be invisible, to be hidden, and to never be in the way, or else I would be a burden, a hindrance, a bother, or worse, a disappointment. If I was invisible, then everyone was happy.
This sparked a very unhealthy hidden life: hidden pain, hidden struggles, hidden mess, that was masked by the lies of perfectionism. To the world I was perfect, fine, not needing anyone’s help, never being a bother or a burden to anyone else-perfectly invisible. And if that meant lying, cheating, and stealing my way to never needing anyone’s help, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that no one needed to care for me, be burdened by me, or notice me.
But the Lord never intended that for me, nor for you. In Matthew 14:10-16 we see that John the Baptist was just killed, and that his disciples run to tell Jesus the awful news. As Jesus attempts to just retreat to a place all by Himself, to be alone and process this news with the Father, get His head clear as we often do, He is bombarded by thousands of people who need Him. Putting ourselves in Jesus’s shoes, wouldn’t we just want to go be alone and then come back to help all these people later? Even the disciples attempt to send the people away, but no, Jesus had such COMPASSION on them. He immediately is able to lay all of His own thoughts, His own needs down to heal and feed those that needed help. The love, the humility, and the compassion of this man absolutely astounds me!.
And this is exactly how Jesus feels about US! When we come to Him time and time again, we are NEVER a burden to Him, we are never a bother, never a hindrance, and never a disappointment. We don’t ever get in His way with the things we need, rather He DELIGHTS in being the one to provide the love that we need. With Him we don’t need to hide our needs or our problems, we don’t need to try and just be okay all the time, never needing anything, but instead He IS the Helper and it is His JOY to help His children. I am never in His way.
We also need to approach the Body of Christ in this way, because just as we need Jesus, we need EACH OTHER. We need to take off our “I’m fine” masks and know that the struggles we are dealing with do not cause us to be a burden, a bother, or a hindrance to our fellow brothers and sisters. We also need to BE Jesus, the loving, compassionate Jesus who drop EVERYTHING to help one He loves, to others and have compassion on them even when we don’t feel as though we have nothing to give. If we are so afraid of being a burden to others and continue hiding little things deep inside, they are kept in the dark where the enemy has access where he will manipulate it to steal, kill, and destroy. So let us be children of the light KNOWING that we have a perfect Father & Savior who is never bothered by us and our needs.
To be a Mary…
"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’ ‘Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is BETTER, and it will not be taken away from her.’” -Luke 10:38-42
So many times in my walk with the Lord, I am continually having to remind myself, “Melissa, stop being a Martha!” Why is it so hard for us to stop the worrying and the preparing and just rest at the feet of Jesus, to simply gaze upon the Beauty of His splendor, to sit and fall in love with the man who gave it all for us?
I don’t know about you , but I want to be a Mary. I want to be a woman that drops everything I’m doing on this Earth to sit at the feet of the one I love. I want to be a woman that wastes her entire life inheritance, her entire future anointing Jesus and weeping over her love for Him. I want to “waste” and pour out my ENTIRE life unto the Lord, everything that I am and everything that I have for HIS sake, for HE alone is ONLY worthy of THAT kind of love.
As Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.” (Matthew 26:13) Jesus says that SHE is the one we ALL should look to and exemplify in love. THAT is how we love you Jesus, because that is exactly how you have always loved us. You, Lord, already have poured everything out for our sake. Mary get’s it. Jesus, help us to get it! Help us to understand that you freely have poured out your love upon us, and all you are asking is for us to pour it back to you.
What are the things that hold us back from giving it all? What are the little things we still hold on to that we want to keep for ourselves and can’t freely give r entrust to the Lord?
Lately, I have felt a little convicted, and I have realized a lot of it comes down to pride. The first 9 months of my walk with Jesus, were not only pretty easy, but they were absolutely glorious. My life was blissfully amazing, and I could profess my love to the Lord and tell of the story of Him and saving and redeeming me for hours with a devoted rejoicing heart. It was easy to talk about then, but now, in my days of struggle, I have found myself silent, reserved, and shining no glory unto God through my timidity.
The past 4 months have been some really rough ones, what I would call my first desert season followed by my first wilderness season. It’s even humbling admitting to that season. It’s hard admitting we are struggling, admitting that we are not okay, admitting that we aren’t perfect. When I first came to the Lord, it was easy surrendering it all to Him. My Savior came on a white horse and swept me off my feet, delivering me from depression, eating disorders, alcoholism, and lies of years of abuse in one night, so how could I not surrender it all to Him. He was my only reason for being alive! But, faith can’t be trusted until tested. It’s easy to surrender it all to Him in the good days, but much harder to in the bad days.
Jesus has walked me through peeling off layer after layer of exterior beauty I had clung to as my only identity for so many years, and I will tell you, it hurt. Most people wouldn’t think giving up long, blonde hair, tanned skin, and beautiful makeup and eyelashes would be huge things to give up, but for me, those were my identity. My appearance was the only thing that abuse and no one could take away from me. It was all I was and all I wanted to be, so no one had to see my brokenness on the inside. But Jesus doesn’t want that. He wants to heal us of all that brokenness, He doesn’t want us clinging onto things of this world that don’t last and will hurt and disappoint us, so He takes it away, because He loves us. And this season, He is taking away that last part I cling to, the one thing I can’t give up, the one thing I don’t know how to give up. He delivered me from an eating disorder, but now He is actually making me walk through it with Him. This is my healing season, from that and other things, but I know it’s the only way that I can pour ALL that I have onto Him; the only way my love can be what He is worthy of.
Every day is a battle, every thought has to be taken captive, but I know with every step, He is holding my hand; He is with me. My life will be a Mary, and it begins right now, every day, every moment. When you choose to sit at Jesus’ feet, when you choose to give Him EVERYTHING you have or ever will have, when you CHOOSE to “waste” every little bit of your life on the One who is worthy, THAT is what love is, THAT is how we love God, and I will “waste” my life to be a whole-hearted lover of Jesus. Pour it all unto Him as He poured His ALL unto you.
"and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." -Ephesians 5:2
Oh Jesus, my Jesus,
True Friend of my heart, true Lover of my soul,
my heart is hurting, my soul is aching.
All that I have ever been,
All my “beauties” falling, falling to the ground.
The goodnesses, the righteousness,
the good intentions and the “right” motives,
Dropping layer by layer…
Leaving behind one that I do not even know or recognize…
The Lover of my love strips me
And as the hidden things are uncovered
And the exterior beauties taken,
I am not what I thought I was.
I know it is by Your hand that I am stripped.
Though it hurts immensely,
I recognize it as a Love deeper than my heart has ever known
Taking away what will not stand
That He might crown me with His TRUE beauty
And clothe me in His robes.
Truly, I am not the one that I thought myself to be.
They ask me “Then who is the one who comes?”
I look only to Your eyes and say,
"She is nothing but what He alone speaks her into being,
His words alone hold within the essence of who she is. She is HIS.
Do not look upon me, for I am dark.
Please see only HIM. HE is the beautiful. HE is the pure.”
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